No Fuck, No Ride!

A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to

the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up.

The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"

"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station."

The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride."

She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."

So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his

shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back

with the chickens!"

About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So the

driver slammed on the brakes and threw him in back with the chickens!

About two more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw

flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the

officer. "What's the problem, officer.

I wasn't speeding was I?"

The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to

inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming,

"No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!"

The Three Kings

"Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?"

Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"

Boy or Girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

Gender of non-living things

Did you know that many non-living things have a gender?
For example:

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but canwreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Are you a monk?

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man asks for the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He gets another key from the monks. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly astonished to find the source of that beguiling sound...

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!

Marrying for money

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."

The friend said, "How flattering."

The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."

The 11 AM Mystery

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday mornings at 11 a.m. regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...
Then, just when the clock struck 11...

Santa Singh, the Sardarji sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

What does a Rectum Stretcher do?

A guy is late for work so he's racing trying to get there. While crossing over a bridge doing eighty a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over.

The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late."
The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"

The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"

The guy says, "Well I stretch rectums".
The cop asks "Well how do ya do that"?

The guy replies "Well first I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull their rectum farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across."

The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

The guy says, "Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."

Southwest Airlines... always pulls out on time

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago..

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did.."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Proof that Gates is the Devil

The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

• B 66
• I 73
• L 76
• L 76
• G 71
• A 65
• T 84
• E 69
• S 83
• + 3--------------666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"

Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???Before you decide, consider the following:

M S - D O S 6 . 2
177+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? You decide...

Priest and Politician

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs and he had given VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Meeting guys in bar

It’s generally not a good idea meeting guys in a bar. It's like going grocery shopping when you're hungry; you bring home stuff you don't need.

Incapacitated

A guy was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking him to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

"Sorry," he replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change his mind and volunteer.

He interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"

She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

Secretary not taking phone calls

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She
ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. It's always
for you."

The Chinese Face

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates, but the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.

The Chinese replied, " I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize. "