Hebronics in NYC Schools

The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.

In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:

Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"

The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."

These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:

• English: "He walks slowly"
  Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."
  ---
• English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
  Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
  ---
• English: "I hope things turn out okay"
  Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"
  ---
• English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
  Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
  ---
• English: "Anything can happen."
  Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
  ---
• English: "May I take your plate sir?"
  Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"
  ---
• English: "It's been so long since you've called."
  Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
  ---
• English: "Let's not go skiing"
  Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?

OneStone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so
named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him
Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then
one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all
the next day, screwed her all the next night... but, Yellow
Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story???

And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Deja Moo

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before.

666

666 is the Number of the BEAST

670 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

/666 - Beast Common Denominator

666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast

$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast

Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Way of the Beast

666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast

666i - BMW of the Beast

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

$99 Cruise Special

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side
by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

TZ and God

Greetings Laff Lovers,

I was talking to recent aquaintance of mine and he paid me a nice compliment.

"I owe you a debt of gratitude," he said.
"How so?"

"I didn't believe in God until I got to know you, TZ."

"I'm flattered," I said. "Perhaps on Judgement Day we will walk together and be well pleased. But let me ask you: how could I have affected your faith when I can't recall a single conversation in which we even discussed God?"

"Well, getting to know you I realized there MUST be a God because you're too fucking stupid to take care of yourself."

Obviously,
TZ
www.laffaday.com

Rancher with limping horse

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What should I do?"

The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."