Did you know that many non-living things have a gender?
For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but canwreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere,you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
Are you a monk?
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man asks for the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He gets another key from the monks. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and diamond.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly astonished to find the source of that beguiling sound...
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks gain accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man asks for the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He gets another key from the monks. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and diamond.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly astonished to find the source of that beguiling sound...
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Marrying for money
A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."
The friend said, "How flattering."
The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."
The friend said, "How flattering."
The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
The 11 AM Mystery
There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday mornings at 11 a.m. regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...
Then, just when the clock struck 11...
Santa Singh, the Sardarji sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.
So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.
So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil...
Then, just when the clock struck 11...
Santa Singh, the Sardarji sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.
Monday, August 07, 2006
What does a Rectum Stretcher do?
A guy is late for work so he's racing trying to get there. While crossing over a bridge doing eighty a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over.
The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late."
The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says, "Well I stretch rectums".
The cop asks "Well how do ya do that"?
The guy replies "Well first I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull their rectum farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across."
The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The guy says, "Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."
The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late."
The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says, "Well I stretch rectums".
The cop asks "Well how do ya do that"?
The guy replies "Well first I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull their rectum farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across."
The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The guy says, "Give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."
Southwest Airlines... always pulls out on time
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago..
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did.."
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
Proof that Gates is the Devil
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
- B 66
- I 73
- L 76
- L 76
- G 71
- A 65
- T 84
- E 69
- S 83
- + 3--------------666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2
177+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
Friday, August 04, 2006
Priest and Politician
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person to enter my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs and he had given VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Meeting guys in bar
It’s generally not a good idea meeting guys in a bar. It's like going grocery shopping when you're hungry; you bring home stuff you don't need.
Incapacitated
A guy was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking him to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
"Sorry," he replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change his mind and volunteer.
He interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
"Sorry," he replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change his mind and volunteer.
He interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
Secretary not taking phone calls
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She
ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. It's always
for you."
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The Chinese Face
An American, a Japanese and a Chinese went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates, but the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, " I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize. "
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates, but the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.
The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he covered his face rather than his private part.
The Chinese replied, " I don't know about you, but in my country, it's the face that people recognize. "
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Too good to be true
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it."
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50.00".
The next day someone stole it.
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50.00".
The next day someone stole it.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Hebronics in NYC Schools
The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.
In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."
These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:
In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."
These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:
- English: "He walks slowly"
Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."
--- - English: "Sorry, I don't know the time"
Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
--- - English: "I hope things turn out okay"
Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"
--- - English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
--- - English: "Anything can happen."
Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
--- - English: "May I take your plate sir?"
Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"
--- - English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
--- - English: "Let's not go skiing"
Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?
OneStone
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so
named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him
Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then
one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all
the next day, screwed her all the next night... but, Yellow
Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story???
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
named because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him
Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then
one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love
to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all
the next day, screwed her all the next night... but, Yellow
Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story???
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Friday, June 16, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
666
666 is the Number of the BEAST
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
670 - Approximate number of the Beast
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
666.0000000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9999954 - Number of the Pentium Beast
0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
666 x sq. rt (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast
1010011010 - Binary of the Beast 6
1-666 - Area code of the Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute.
$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
$606.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
$566.66 - Costco/Price Club price of the Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
Route 666 - Way of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank, $666 -minimum deposit.
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast
Monday, June 12, 2006
$99 Cruise Special
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side
by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
TZ and God
Greetings Laff Lovers,
I was talking to recent aquaintance of mine and he paid me a nice compliment.
"I owe you a debt of gratitude," he said.
"How so?"
"I didn't believe in God until I got to know you, TZ."
"I'm flattered," I said. "Perhaps on Judgement Day we will walk together and be well pleased. But let me ask you: how could I have affected your faith when I can't recall a single conversation in which we even discussed God?"
"Well, getting to know you I realized there MUST be a God because you're too fucking stupid to take care of yourself."
Obviously,
TZ
www.laffaday.com
I was talking to recent aquaintance of mine and he paid me a nice compliment.
"I owe you a debt of gratitude," he said.
"How so?"
"I didn't believe in God until I got to know you, TZ."
"I'm flattered," I said. "Perhaps on Judgement Day we will walk together and be well pleased. But let me ask you: how could I have affected your faith when I can't recall a single conversation in which we even discussed God?"
"Well, getting to know you I realized there MUST be a God because you're too fucking stupid to take care of yourself."
Obviously,
TZ
www.laffaday.com
Rancher with limping horse
A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What should I do?"
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."
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